Shattered Innocence

Shattered Innocence

Why is it you kept me so young and innocent
Why did you not warn me of the pitfalls of life?
I believed that no one would ever hurt me
Because you kept the stars in my eyes
You should have had more faith in me
If we had only sat down and talked
You left me open and vulnerable
Because I did not see there are bad men out in the world

My first encounter of dispicable men
was a teacher I had at Primary School, I was younger than ten
I was late leaving class on this particular day
He who took the notion he could look through my garments
asking me to name them on by one
I was timid and scared he was in authority
I felt it was wrong but did not know what to do
I was taught not to argue with my elders and betters

I learned that they will prey on innocent girls and boys
The papers and TV these days are just full of it
Nobody spoke of these violations against children back then
It was shrouded behind closed doors and never spoken
The lust in the men's eyes, I did not understand
Even when my spirit tried to warn me.
I doubted my feelings, how could this be?
These men are known to the family!

These lustful men don't care about friendship
when their lust rears it's ugly head
I did not get raped in body,
but was raped in mind instead
They undress you with their eyes
and make lewd suggestions
It is rape no matter how you look at it
a violation was commited against my person

They make you feel dirty and that it was my fault
I know now it was not something I said or did
It is their problem not mine
I was in the wrong place at the wrong time
Even as an adult, I would get propositioned by married men
I was married at that time too, and it did not seem to matter to them
That their wife and my husband could be right nearby
If questioned look at me and say all innocent,
I didn't mean any such thing!

I hate the actions of these so and so's
They should all be behind bars
The devastation, hurt, have left such deep scars
You cannot see them because they are on the inside
and are not viewed to all
But are there for a long time, as it is hard to heal
A broken bone takes about six weeks to mend
Abuse never goes away on it's own
it festers up again and again, when someone picks the scab

These men think they can get away with it!
well let me tell you, you can't, one day if you do not confess
you will have to pay for your actions, whether it's this life or the next
You will have to stand before God and be accountable.
I will let God deal with you unscrupulous men
I have moved on and given it away where it belongs
at the foot of the cross, to my saviour Jesus
in His loving embrace the hurt has now gone

Amanda Martin-Shaver ©

Empty Arms

Empty Arms

You have to be a woman who has experienced
the loss of and unborn babe
to know that mothers morn from day to day
Oh yes we may not have got to hold her or
dressed her up in pink and lace
Maybe we did not even get to look upon her face

The grief is very real and so is the pain
it does not go away after days of rain
The memories stay with us and we wonder
what would you have been?
Doctor, Lawyer or maybe a Dean.

It is also hardest when kind meaning family and friends tell
you that there can be more because you are still young.
The baby lost was not a doll
That can be replaced as if it did not have a soul
The experience was real, you knew and felt it

The years go by and perhaps you have one or two more
these other babies do not and cannot replace
that precious baby who came before
The hardest time is at Christmas or baby's birthday
As you travel down, memory lane

I know all babies are not lost altogether
they go up to Heaven
to be with the Lord Jesus
He will take care of them, with His abundant love
They will be basking in the sunshine above

Amanda Martin-Shaver ©

What a huge lie the world has been told over the years
that some have actually 'swallowed' and believed that an
unborn baby is a 'fetus', or worse still - tissue.

Miscarriages are termed abortions in the medical field,
which is also hard to accept. Because abortion is a deliberate
act to choose not to go full term and give birth.
Miscarriage is not a choice, abortion is.

These are lies straight from the pits of hell and Satan
is the father of all lies!!

Stress

Stress

Stress, stress your body's a mess
you're up then you're down
trying to cope through the day
before things get's in your way

Changes in your circumstances
of career, finances, divorce,
relocation, death and much more
does not help with this uproar

angry, defeated, overwhelmed
body is battered and very raw
just can't take on any more
shut yourself away and close the door

you're hungry, or can't eat a bite
so many worries to keep you uptight
can't sleep, or stay in bed
something is messing with your head

body's aching, feeling like the flu
down and out and feeling oh so blue
crying and weeping, no one seems to care
sometimes it is more than you can bare

relax, read, go for a walk
phone a friend and just talk
pet your dog, have a cuddle
help yourself get out of this muddle

medications are not the cure
get away from the things you can't endure
relaxation, massage technique
may help to get you back in beat

Take each day hour by hour day by day
Don't forget you can pray
Jesus is your best bet
for Him your problems are no sweat

Amanda Martin-Shaver ©
5 April 2009

Jamey

My name is Jamey and I am only four,
My stepmom must hate me,
otherwise why would she lock me up
in the basement, behind cupboard doors?

She leaves me in there for hours at a time
It is so dark and scary, I could loose my mind
I cannot get out to go to the bathroom so
I have to pee and poop on the other side.

When she finally comes back to let me out
she pulls down my pants and beats my bare bottom with a belt
because I have left a big mess
and let the bad smell out

She locks me away in the bathroom, attic and basement
well away from staff's prying eyes
She leaves me alone in my misery
I don't let her see the fear or know that I cried

As I grew older, the abuse did not end
I was put in a childs home for bad boys with problems
Child abuse, sexual, verbal, bashings and bullying,
does this kind of hurting ever end?

These boys care was provided by the State
Their folks did not have the money to pay.
I was paid for by my rich parents to keep me away
from my stepmom who would hurt me if I stayed.

Where was my father and what has he to say?
Why was he quiet, surely he was aware that something was amiss
Was his love for his new bride more important than me
Why didn't he stand up and protect me from this?

I was not allowed to play with my brothers and sisters
or go out to play with the other kids on the block
I had to stay home and play all alone,
I read lots of books and played with my blocks

Or I was given some pocket money and dropped off down town
I went to the movies and spend the whole day there
Playing in the arcades, watching one movie after another
in solitude and away from my sisters and brothers

When I came home at vacation
My dad, stepmom 2 older brothers
and 3 stepsisters drove away
I was left at home and was not taken.

I was devastated, overwraught and overcome
My heart was broken, my spirit nearly broken
I cried out to God why has this happened
As my mind was completely shattered

What did I do wrong to make my stepmom hate me like this?
she drove out her eldest daughter away from the family
out from the house, no one speaks of this sister,
it's all a great mystery, secret as if she didn't exist

I am now an adult, and they have never been charged
this has been silent abuse that went on for years
Their rich friends and neighbours did not know I existed
you may think I am OK now - yet there are still scars

Amanda Martin-Shaver ©

Dedicated to my husband James Shaver.

Care Giver

Care Giver

April 2002 I started my first job in the USA
an Alzheimer and Dementia, seven house facility
ten residents, men and women I was to oversee
cook for next days meals, cleaning and laundry

I worked Friday to Sunday, on the Noct Shift
eight hours Friday and 12 hour weekend
with their policies and procedures, I was adrift
no one bothered to show me so I could blend

I struggled with their menu, I am a good cook
there wasn't the ingredients to follow their book
I had not heard of many of the dishes
how was I ever to understand their wishes?

Three meals of hamburger in a period of three days?
because these residents are Alzheimer and dementia
should not do this because they don't remember
after all their families were paying their way!

A day staff Leaving them in wet pajamas for hours
not giving them their showers
throwing left over food in the trash
a resident who naps has to have a sandwich?

I asked questions to my House Manager
her reply, I don't know what to tell ya
go ask Mary-Anne in Human Resources
or Belinda, the Facilities Manager

I disliked how these residents were treated
it might be legal, but extremely unethical
placing residents who fight in together
disrupting the whole household altogether

Residents get hurt and pushed to the floor
you cannot be everywhere at once and see through walls
ambulance comes and takes resident to care
restore some order with the Floater once she's there

There should be two on duty for all three shifts
money won't be spent on extra, those spendthrifts!
They only gave 32 hours for each staff member
so no one could earn more than 40 hours as carer

Resident dies after being hurt in several falls
family arrives before he is made presentable
funeral director arrives with his gurney
bags him up to leave on his last journey

what sort of nonsense is this I question
to treat our loved ones in this awful fashion
there is no dignity given once he has died
haven't time to dress his bare body, to restore some pride

I would not treat him like this, when he was alive
so why would anyone do this now that he has died?
this is not how I was trained back in New Zealand
dignity was given, bathed, dressed hair brushed for presentation

no back up while you work night hours alone
you're suppose to carry a big cordless phone
they are cumbersome things and they fall from your pocket
getting in the way so you put it up on the locker

dial seven numbers for floaters phone,
then seven numbers for your own
who can remember when you have an emergency
when you need help desperately, urgently

I got beaten up by a big burly resident
by surprise, cornered, trapped like a rodent
he was hitting me about my body and head
I covered my face with my arms, and bent

I tried to push him off but he was too large
so I ran at him and gave a big heave
flaying my arms so he would back off and leave
I accidentally struck him, he said I would be dead

Floater came and inspected him,
no one cared about the state I was in
wrote in the logs that I had hit him
time to go home I am all weak and done in

Three days later I am called to the Manager
wanted to know how this resident was striking in anger
It turned out he had a UTI and no one wrote it down
how was I to know that directing him would cause this meltdown?

They let me go, said staff cannot hit residents
at home I was completely and utterly devastated
news stories report residents harming and killing
yet staff alone cannot protect against these bashing's

I asked some other caregivers what would they do?
they said they would write nothing, about them hitting too
I was honest when I wrote, it was a bad mistake
I just felt threatened and this is my heartache

Amanda Martin-Shaver ©
28 March 2009

Note: Names used are fictional

Koda my Puppy

Koda, my Puppy

My puppy has not come home, its been over an hour
I let him out so he could do his call of nature
I have whistled and called him to no avail
where can my puppy be at this late hour?

I am worried as it is the middle of the night
far to dark outside for me to be looking without light
he could be hiding in the shadows and I would not see
as the darkness penetrates where he cannot be seen

He has not gone this long before when I have let him out
he always comes running around the corner when I looking about
he does not bark so I can hear him when I call
so what could have taken his interested to ignore me at all

this afternoon he found a dead treat
and dropped it beside my horse, Harmony
she took no notice, no notice at all
she kept on eating the grass at her feet

I went out and called my puppy to come indoors
once he was, I went down to see what he had brought
a dead rabbit, winter fur but without its head
I threw this rabbit up and away where my puppy can't get

So now nearly two hours have gone by and still he has not come
it is 12.46am and time we were both in bed
what could be the attraction that has kept away all this time
should I spank him, chastise him or hug him instead?

By 1.30am I went to bed, prayed for him to be safe
slept fairly well under these circumstances
I woke up and went outside, whistled and called
and there he was with the outside animals, what's the haste!

I knew where I was, I was safe all this time
now I am tired, I will lay down right here
stretch out close to the fire and keep warm
and woof and squirm dreaming of my adventures

Amanda Martin-Shaver ©
29 March 2009